"Mom, what awe those bubbles on the floow?"
"It's carpet cleaner, Toots."
"Why awe you cweaning the cawpet?"
"Well, last night, Asker had a diarrhea accident. I cleaned it up then, but I need to clean it a little bit more."
"Hmmmm. If I had an accident, would you cwean my cawpet?"
"Of course, honey. Accidents happen, it's okay when they do."
Toots disappears.
You know where this is going.
"MOM. I peed on my cawpet!!"
Showing posts with label Genius Moments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Genius Moments. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Given The Choice, I'd Rather Clean Vomit
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Um, That Would Be Eczema
Overheard:
"Hey guys, I'm making smoothies!"
"Daddy, make suwe you don't put stwawbewwies in mine."
"Why can't you have strawberries, Toots?"
"Because of my eskimo, Daddy!"
"Your eskimo?"
"No, Dad, she didn't mean eskimo. She meant excrement."
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Moo
"Mommy, dat you boob?"
"Yes, Clam, that's my boob."
"Has milk for baby?"
"Yes, that's what Superboy drinks. Mommy makes milk for the baby. You drank my milk when you were a baby."
Pause
Pause
Big smile..
"Mommy...is...cow!"
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Guess I Need To Add Geography To The Curriculum
Overheard:
Yes, we killed him.
Now what awe we gonna' do?
Well, we're going to bury him.
Whewe?
We're going to bury him in the great mountains of Kansas.
Monday, November 05, 2007
What Are They Teaching Her In Sunday School?
Reviewing the Ten Commandments at the breakfast table.
"Asker, can you tell me a commandment?"
"You should not lie."
"Very good. Toots do you remember one?"
Said in very somber voice, "Do not worship the golden duck."
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I've Created An Insatiable Monster
Asker has always had a fascination with the way our bodies work. When he was 2 and saw me using a tampon, it was not enough to tell him "Mommy is having her period." No, he needed to know why I was bleeding and what it meant. He understands the ovulation/menstration process better than most grown men. He uses all anatomically correct names (except for the occasional "package" for "penis"), and constantly asks me how different animal types reproduce.
When someone asks him if I have a baby in my belly, his typical response is..
"No, she didn't eat it. It's in her uterus."
I've always loved his enthusiasm and interest in all aspects of learning. Today was no exception. I borrowed a book from the library called A Child is Born. It's a very detailed book full of pictures and descriptions of how babies develop in utero. The kids and I sat and read through the whole book this morning.
We read each chapter that showed how the baby develops, comparing the pictures to how far I am. We spent a good deal of time looking at the highly enlarged egg and sperm pictures. They were quite fascinating and sparked some interesting conversations.
Now I had skipped the pages that showed the baby-making process. There were pictures showing body heat changes during sex and several pictures of men and women embracing and kissing. They weren't that graphic, but the people were obviously naked, and he is a smart kid, and I have just not been ready to explain the actual sex act to a 5 year old. I'm guessing he must have looked through the book later in the day and done some thinkin'.
Around bedtime, Toots was dressed in her princess dress, Asker was playing the prince and they were "waltzing" in his bedroom. I was reading a book to Clam, when all of a sudden Asker pulled away from his sister and said..
"Mom, I think I put some sperm in her."
Thank God for the book. I probably would have traumatized him with the look on my face. Instead I calmly held the book in front of my face, steadied my voice and asked why he thought so.
He hesitated a little and told me he thought maybe that was how sperm got into the lady.
For a split second I considered it. I relish opening little minds to new wonders. But I just couldn't do it. He's only 5!!! But I knew the old, "Jesus puts it there" explanation wasn't going to cut it. So I offered him the most mature and truthful explanation I had.
"Actually, Asker, that's almost how the sperm and the egg come together. But when you're married, your bodies will work differently."
He then proceeded to ask me if pirates drank blood, so I guess that answer was good enough for now.
God help me.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Hey, She Knows Her Letter Sounds
Reading an animal book. That includes pictures. Very clear, obvious pictures.
"What's this one, Toot?"
"Ummmm..."
"It starts with a 'Z'"
"zzzz.....zzzz.....zzzzz......giraffe."
Thursday, February 15, 2007
2 Steps Ahead of Me
"Mom, what's this music?"
"This is the music from the Pink Panther."
"Oh. Can we get this movie one day?"
"No, it's a grown-up movie."
"..........Oh, because it teaches you not to touch insulation?"
Monday, February 12, 2007
Playing 20 Questions with T
I am a thing.
I am an insect.
I am black and yellow striped.
I make honey.
I say bzzzz.
"I know, peanut budder!"
"no, let's try again." (repeat above clues)
"I rhyme with 'pee'"
"poop!"
Me banging head on table.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Just When I Think They're Normal.....
Yesterday, the kids and I decided to spend some time playing in the snow. It was loads of fun. Nothing like spending three hours layering kids in massive amounts of clothes just to have their gloves come off two seconds after they walk outside. Anyway, we trudged up and down our mini-hill sledding for a while. We attempted to make a snowman. Considering there was only about one inch of snow on the ground, Frosty was mostly rocks, sticks and grass. But the kids were really having fun. I took a minute to look around, breath in the crisp air and say a little prayer of thanks for my adorable, sweet, normal children. Then I saw the two oldest making snow angels......face down!
Monday, November 27, 2006
My Child, The Genius
Have you ever noticed how every mother is convinced her child is brilliant? It starts as soon as they are out of the womb. "Can you believe she opened her eyes? She's only 4 hours old!" (Apparently, some moms take Kitty-Cat Birthing classes). And, as far as I know, most parents never outgrow this misconception.
I, too, have realized within days of giving birth, that I have delivered prodigies. (Of course, in my case, it is true). I see him holding up his head and am convinced that never a stronger neck muscle there was. Then, I read the others' baby books and realize they were bobble-heading it 2 days earlier. My daughter rolled over at 2 months, sat up at 4 1/2 and I just knew she was going to be an early walker. When she was just starting to crawl at 11 months, I adjusted my goals a little. When she was still not walking at 16 months (and baby brother almost here), I started to get worried. Thankfully, I have a pediatrician who is very conservative and laid back. She told me the normal range extends to 18 months and not to worry. I could not, however, get her to agree to my theory that geniuses tend to develop physical skills slower as their bodies are focused on mental growth.
As my kids moved from infant to toddler stage, the delusions really set in. Even my husband fell for it. I would catch him at church showing off one of the babies. "Look, he waved. Did you see him?" I never told him that it would have been a little weird if the baby was not waving yet, as he was 18 months old. It is nice, though, to have someone to whom I can tell all the special things they do. I tell my mom and sister all the time, but am met with blank stares or half-hearted "Wows" quite often. I'm sure they are looking at each other and rolling their eyes when I have, yet again, a "Guess what A said?" story.
Even though I tend to see my kids through rose-colored glasses, I am not as bad as the moms who believe in competitive parenting. They are the worst! These are the moms who enroll their children in music, gymnastics and sign language before they are even one. All that is fine, if you are truly doing it because you think it will better your child. I think, however, that most competitive parents do it because they want to be able to brag. "My Millicent clapped on the beat during our Beethoven Bop class and she learned 2 new signs and she did a somersault before any of the the other children. Her teachers' are convinced she's gifted." Now, I'm sorry if I've offended any of you (actually, I'm not), but I highly doubt any of these activities make any difference in a child's mental or physical development. If you take the classes, however, to prevent the brain rot that occurs from not getting out of the house enough, more power to you. Just admit it.
I'm glad that God has given us this unconditional, blind love for our kids. If we truly saw our kids the way others do, we'd all be standing in the returns/exchanges line.
"Um, I'd like to return this whiny/funky-haired/excessive eye-blinker for a MaryKate/Ashley type. No, the Full House version, not the anorexic teen-ager, thank you. And this one, he's really bad in Sunday School and has a Power Ranger obsession. Do you have something with better manners and a more up-to-date fetish?"
No, thankfully, to us they are perfect. We find their compulsions quirky and their shortfallings sweet. We see our own weaknesses in them and love them for it. And they remind us that our parents, too, look at our ugliness and see beauty.
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