Ladies, I Have A Story

We ate out more often this summer than we have in the past 5 years combined. We had a No Restaurants rule for a while when Toots found it amusing to bang her head on every public floor she encountered. But Clam is such an easy little fella' and we were on vacation, and well, we blew our savings. But the fresh seafood was worth it....except for one time.

One evening a few weeks into our vacation, we met Dave at a local seafood restaurant for dinner. We both loaded up on fresh shellfish, but he also had the tuna. We were walking around the town square after dinner considering ice cream (considering which flavor, that is) when Dave felt a rumble. I directed him to the nearest restroom and sat down with the kids to wait. And wait. And wait some more. Finally after about 20 minutes, I walked around the corner to where he had gone. I sat on the bench(pictured below), and proceeded to wait another 20 minutes. I noticed a man, who was obviously waiting for his wife, holding a baby. My amazing powers of deduction knew this to be true because of the proven fact that no man in history has ever held an infant for 45 minutes voluntarily. Anyway, after waiting a bit longer, Dave came running out, quickly said that he was going to get the truck and took off. A moment later, the man's wife and her friend came out of the bathroom talking at a rapid pace. I wasn't really paying attention to them; I was too focused on perfecting the exact verbal volley I was going to use when Dave reappeared. Then I caught what one of the women was saying....."and then he says, 'Ladies, I have a story.'"

In that moment, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was talking about my husband. I tried desperately to eavesdrop, but they turned the corner and I was left to wonder what on earth had happened to my love in the last hour.

When he pulled up, I helped him put the kids in the truck and casually mentioned that I overheard some ladies talking about him. He shook his head and said, "You don't know the half of it......."

His stomach was rumbling and rolling as he went into the men's room and he knew it was not going to be a quick pinch-and-run. But as he went to enter the only stall in the room, another man jumped in front of him and shut the door. Well, as Dave explained it, no man does his business in the time Dave had remaining before a full change of clothes was needed. So he did the only other thing he could do. He went into the Ladies' room. He knocked on the door, and hearing no answer, decided to risk it. When he saw that the two stalls had floor to ceiling doors, he was relieved. He knew if anyone came in, they wouldn't be able to see his size 13 shoes. He tried the first stall, but there was no toilet paper. So he rushed into the second one barely making it before the thunder rolled. He finished up, flushed and as he started towards the door, he heard the unmistakable sound of females entering.

Now, in hindsight, he could have just opened the door, said "hello"and ran out. But he did what most of us would have done. He sat back down to wait it out. But there was just one problem. He forgot that the other stall had no toilet paper. Perhaps a different breed of woman would have just gone. I've done the shake myself a few times when necessary. Or maybe these women really had to do number two. But, whatever the reason, they were not content to use a paperless toilet. They knocked on Dave's door and after getting no answer and trying the door (locked) started speculating.

"Someone must have locked the door accidentally."
"Maybe it's out of order."
"No, they would have posted a sign."
"Well, try it again. Maybe you need to push, not pull."
"It's locked. I can't push or pull it."

All said in the honeysuckle voices of South Carolina girls.

This went on for quite some time. They speculated about what to do as more women entered. Each time a new woman came in, the others would explain the situation in great detail. Well, after a while, Dave started feeling guilty. He couldn't let those poor girls suffer any longer. So he took a deep breath....and knocked.

"Ladies, I have a story.....