Those Gosh Darned Almost Curse Words

I admit it. I am a holy crapper. I am also a freakin' and son-of-a-gunner. Never friggin', and rarely a sucker.

Now, I'm also a fruitcake and Oh, pooper (much preferred in front of the little ears). And to my never ending chagrin, I once said "Mercy me", which my 5 year old repeated forever. "Fruitcake" was the end product of a pickle spill in Walmart which started as F----and upon realizing all 6 eyes were fixed on me, quickly turned to fruitcake and a nice smile. It is now my expletive of choice.

I didn't know if serial cursers, such as my hubby & I, could retrain ourselves, but we have. It's easier on me, as I basically am limited to preschool conversation for 21 hours each day. We also don't watch TV, so my exposure, in particular, has changed dramatically in the last 5 years. My hubby, however, still works with men, and we all know how men lacking the presence of women tend to stay in the shallow end of the vocabulary pool. He is the one usually doing the two-step at home.
3 year old- "Shit, what's shit?"
Daddy- "No, no honey, I said 'shirt', 'Why does this room look like shirt...s, um, got thrown
all around it?'"

I heard A(5) last week in the living room trying to pick up Daddy's backpack. "Aw, this sucks," said he. I poked my head in and said, "What did you say?", in the nice, inquisitive, grace based parenting I am so unfamiliar with, not the typical "WHAT DID YOU SAY?", my kids are most familiar with. Anyway, he replied "This sucks, mom. It means it's heavy. Daddy always says it when something is heavy." I told him to ask daddy what it really means. Of course, I haven't been the best role model. One day after a large kitchen spill, A looked at me and said "mom, you forgot to say 'holy crap'." It was pretty funny.

Now T(3) approaches "bad" words with glee. She has the bat hearing that picks up under-my-breath mutterings from 2 rooms away. She hears bad words when there are none. Case in point, reading a book one day that goes something like this..... All the little mice were helpers, but Frederick... "AAAWW, mommy said BUTT". Thank God, she has never heard "this sucks", or I would hear "mommy sucks" all day. I kid you not. Her new favorite is, "mommy, you're stinky." Usually said with hands on hips and head tosses.

When I was growing up, we didn't even know there were words such as "suck", "piss", and "shitty." We couldn't even say "who cares" or "so what." I called my brother a b***** once when I was a teenager. I had no clue it was a gender-specific word. The worst thing I ever heard my mother say (to this day even) was "jackass." She would only use it when driving. I thought it was so cool, I would bait her on. "Look, mom, that guy just cut you off. Man, he's such a...." It never worked.

I try to teach my kids the power of their words and the way they say them. We don't say "hate" in our house except in extreme situations (i.e. "I hate the devil", "I hate being disobedient", "I hate menstruation", etc..) Instead, we say "it's not my favorite". I think it's nice to keep certain words undiluted. Hate, for example, really means something to my kids, not like to most people who use it constantly. And for me, only hearing cursing on the rare occasion now, I have lost the immunity I once had to it. Now, when my hubby calls me a b****, it really hurts my feelings. (Just kidding, don't start sending me comments on how verbal abuse is domestic violence too)

I guess I'll keep using my almost words and make up some more as need be. I'm thinking the food thing might go somewhere. Stick it up your apple, when ham freezes over, she's such a beechnut. I see T-shirts in my future. Or maybe just another arsenal for the 3 year old!